Tiberius

"During his stay at Rhodes a professor of literature named Diogenes used to lecture every Sabbath - and, when Tiberius wanted to hear him some other day of the week, sent a slave out to say: 'Come back on the seventh day!' Diogenes now turned up at Rome and waited at the Palace door to pay Tiberius his respects; Tiberius' only revenge was a mild message: 'Come back in the seventh year.'"
-Suetonius, The Twelve Caesars: Tiberius: 32

Oohh, sick burn on Diogenes.



As opposed to our modern style of biography, in which the subject's life is told straightforwardly from birth to death, Suetonius arranged his biographies into sections based on category. Due to this method, I initially had a very positive view of Rome's second emperor. Perhaps he seemed a bit impotent and waffly, and Augustus certainly did not think too much of him; but Tiberius was effective as a general, respected the Senate, was not overly power-hungry, and was always ready to dash off on self-imposed exile.

Unfortunately, Suetonius left the worst part for the end. You have to wait until section 43 to discover that Tiberius was a disgusting sex-pervert with a taste for pædophilia. It's always worst when you are familiar with someone before finding out these things. "Such a filthy old man he had become!" interjects our author, while listing crimes "almost too vile to discuss." Suetonius was probably such a gossip.

"Even as a young officer he was such a hard drinker that his name, Tiberius Claudius Nero, was displaced by the nickname 'Biberius Caldius Mero'- meaning: 'Drinker of hot wine with no water added'.

Does anyone need a new nickname? It's a mouthful, but it's also a hilarious Latin pun. And if anyone recognizes its source, you'll know them to be tremendously intelligent!

"He was dining at a country-house called 'The Cavern' , near Tarracina, when some huge rocks fell from the roof of the natural cave which served as a banqueting-hall and gave the house its name, killing several guests and attendants close to him."

That must have been the most terrifying dinner ever.